One Mask Slips

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And is replaced by another. This is how a multipotentialite lives. Or perhaps just a creative mind; slipping from one life to the next. There are too many people inside of me, and each is their own unique copy of myself. My styles change, clothing, personality, tastes in music. I can’t control the shift. I can only embrace the other’s personality and let it overwhelm me entirely until I am living and breathing in their skin. And then I am not me anymore.

If I went back to the shrink, maybe she’d tell me there is a name for this. Or she’d tell me I’m just trying to be different. There’s nothing wrong with me.

I never felt like this was a problem.

The mask slips and it feels normal, like a snake shedding its skin.

It feels like the deep breath after a panic attack or waking from a bad dream. As I fail, another one surfaces to carry the load of life. Some copies of me aren’t so strong. And some are buried so deep the only thing I can hear is their muffled voices, too quiet to understand anymore.

My boss once told me that if I had a mental diagnosis, it would be multiple personalities because he always sees so many sides of me. Maybe he’s more right than he knows.

I don’t lose time. I don’t loose memories. I remember everything. What’s missing is the emotion. I separate myself from the emotion so I don’t have to feel it. I can’t remember how it felt to go through the interview process for the job I didn’t get. I don’t remember what it felt like when I cut ties with my ex. It takes too much energy to try and remember how those things felt. It’s like trying to keep a palm full of water in numb hands. I don’t know if it’s there or not, and I can’t feel it.

I wonder if it even happened to me at all, or if it was just a dream. Sometimes I mistake dreams for reality.

Dissociation.

A mental process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. Dissociative disorders include dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, depersonalisation disorder and dissociative identity disorder.

Betterhealth.vic.gov.au


For similar posts, check out:

Between Obsessions
Are You A Multipotentialite?
Antidepressants Killed My Creativity

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Take care,

Kat

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