On Moving On…

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I don’t remember much of last winter. I was too buried in grief colder than any squall. The sharp bite of bitter wind was a welcome distraction from the sickness of my heart.

I put all the things he gave me in the back of my closet, not brave enough to throw them in the trash but not bold enough to keep them around either. Like all bad memories, I hoped they would just fade away.

I found things enough to keep me busy during the days, but the nights were filled with inescapable loops of all the things I could have done better. Of all the things I might have done wrong.

I don’t remember the first day after January 7th that I didn’t see his face every time I closed my eyes, but it must have come. Yes, it must have. Because the sick sinking feeling in my chest now feels like a faded picture.

I grasped for anything that might save me. Desperately, I entered entropy and let the world devour me with new experiences. And yet only within myself did I finally find healing.

For a late blooming flower, I found that each bruise he gave me wilted my tender petals. But those scars will grow a stronger bud come spring. Every beautiful rose wonts to be plucked. And every summer they bloom again.

Moving on is all about compartmentalizing. The pain never goes away. You just box it up and bury it somewhere in your mind and try to think of better things to come.

Wishing stops working after a while, when you realize that people don’t work like shooting stars. They don’t fall on command, and they have pasts that they can never outrun.

I walked into something karmic, and fuck that’s unfortunate, because you were the start of my journey, and I was only a distraction from yours.

Sometimes I remember the way he rolled his eyes while I drove us home one December night, and in that moment I knew there was no saving this. And it took all my strength of will not to burst into tears as we ate our blue cheese burgers while we tried to think of something, anything to talk about.


Here’s some prose from last winter, about my broken heart and learning to move on after that.

Bad things happen in life, but we shouldn’t view those as negatives. We learn much more from pain than we do from success. And sometimes a broken heart is just what we need in order to transform our lives into everything we’ve ever dreamed of. So thank those who have taught you the tough lessons, and pray that they someday find the healing they need as well. Forgive them, and find peace.

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Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications!

Kat 

 

Things Become Okay

 

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Things become okay. And by okay, I mean you will eventually reach a point where you can function on a normal human level, keep up with your work, and enjoy the weekends like any self respecting person.

Things might not be okay right now. I get it. I’ve been there. Things might not be okay right now, but they will be.

When I was younger, I always assumed depression and anxiety were just things I’d have
to live with. They were a part of who I was as much as my flesh and hair. Until I sought help to deal with my mental health, I was not okay. I was very not okay. Until I started therapy and anti depressants, I was not a normal functioning human being, I wasn’t keeping up with my work, and I didn’t enjoy any days, let alone the weekends.

It always felt like the world was on Hyper. Any Final Fantasy fans will know what I mean by that. It felt like things were moving too fast and there was no way I was ever going to keep up. Even if I had a good day where I got a few things done, the next day would come and everything would build up again faster than I could manage it. Eventually I began to think what’s the point? 

On the bad days, I knew I needed help.

But then the good days came, and I would think, well, things are okay, so maybe it was just a bad day. I feel okay, so it seems stupid to start therapy. I feel okay.

But I wasn’t okay.

Just the fact that I was having bad days meant I wasn’t okay. And by bad days I don’t just mean I had a bad hair day, stepped in dog shit, and got the shits from eating a bad burrito. No. Bad days during depression are more like bad weeks. Long stretches of time
where things stop having meaning. A home stops being a home and instead is deconstructed to four walls slapped with some white paint. Friends stop being friends and instead just become people who tolerate you a little more than other people. And in your mind, everything sort of melts together like crayons in the sun. Instead of having a timeline of the future before you, where you tackle things one at a time, the line gets all jumbled up and suddenly you’re worrying about things that are thirty years down the line and not even guarantees yet. Yes, even time loses its meaning.

But things will become okay.

There are people in the world who are there to help. There are coping mechanisms for anxiety. And there are medications that will finally silence that voice in your head that is a constant reminder that you are somehow, spectacularly and miserably different from everyone else. The truth is, you aren’t. You are a human being just like everyone else. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if you feel that medications aren’t for you, there are ways to become okay. Find something that works for you. Reach out and ask for help, and things will become okay.


Take care, everyone, and don’t forget to take your medications.

Words Of Widsom | Rob Reiner |Fix Yourself

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“Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that’s a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect.”
Rob Reiner

Sunday Pep Talk | Keep At It!

 

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As a blogger you will have good days and bad days, popular posts, and posts that flop. It is easy to get discouraged when you have a bad day. But as long as you keep blogging content you like and content you are passionate about, you will see better days ahead. Keep at it!

Remember why you started. Everyone has their ups and downs, and every popular blog started as a newbie blog. Just make sure you are blogging for you, and blogging about what makes you happy.

The views and the likes will come if you are yourself and write content that you care about. You will attract your audience in no time at all.

Good things take time, and progress might be slow, but keep at it, my little bloggers! You are doing great!

Hurt People, Stop Hurting People — Mommy 2 the Princess

I know we have all heard the saying that hurt people, hurt people. You hear this from so many people. You see it on social media, people are blogging about it. People are even writing books about it. It is almost as if we are giving people a pass to hurt others just because they […]

via Hurt People, Stop Hurting People — Mommy 2 the Princess

Daphne’ Danielle writes a wonderful article about forgiveness, and the repurcussions of living with the pain of being hurt, and how it hurts others in turn. It is so important that we learn to forgive those who hurt us, so that we do not unintentionally hurt someone else with those wounds we carry with us.

As discussed in my post, Forgive Yourself, you will only hurt yourself and others by holding onto that pain. It is important to forgive others, and also yourself to fully embrace the path of healing.

Daphne’s post is full of wisdom. Go take a read, and give her page a follow!


 

Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications.