10 Ways To Move On After A Difficult Breakup

“Just put back the car keys or somebody’s gonna get hurt. Who are you calling at this hour? Sit down, come round, I need you now. We’ll work it all out, together. But we’re getting nowhere tonight. Now sleep, I promise it’ll all seem better somehow in time.” – Imogen Heap

Having your heart broken is one of the most painful experiences you could ever go through in life. That’s why I think everyone should have their heart broken at least once. Negativity like that only paves the way for growth, learning, and more self love than you ever thought was possible.

But when you are going through it, living with a broken heart feels like dying over and over again. It hurts. A lot.

So how can you lessen that pain?

Below are some of the things I did to help me through my first heart break. Maybe they will offer some comfort to you as well.


Infinite waters

 

This cool dude was my go-to for pulling myself out of my post-breakup blues. You can find videos on so many topics, all of which dealing with self care and your place in the universe. He talks about how to deal with your emotions, meditation, how to let go and move on…and we havn’t even had breakfast yet. Can I get a hello! On the bad days when I could see no good in the world and felt so alone, I would sit down and watch his videos and know that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one who had my heart broken. His videos filled me with nothing but peace and love.


Block them on all social media

 

This one’s hard. Like smothering a loved one to death with a pillow. But it’s just something you might have to do in order to move on. If I hadn’t blocked my ex on social media, I would never have moved on with my life. Blocking them on social media means severing all ties you have with that person. And let me tell you, if someone says you can be just friends with someone you once loved, then they weren’t in love with their ex, because you can never ever view someone you once loved as just a friend. If you truly had feelings, in my experience, you just can’t. If you can break the attachment you have for that person, you will move on much faster. Blocking them is a quick way to break that attachment. Out of sight, out of mind.

“So what you say we give it up and walk away. Nothing to salvage anyway.” – Imogen Heap


When you think of them immediately think of something else

 

The good old divergent thought technique. When your mind drifts to your ex, especially the emotionally charged memories, whether good or bad, be vigilant and switch your thought process to something else. If you follow those rabbit holes, you will end up in an emotional pining stage again. Do this enough and you will train your brain not to go there. Of course it’s ok to drift back into those memories every once in a while. It’s healthy to miss them. I mean, you did love them at one point. But this technique ensures you don’t end up staying there. Out of mind, out of emotions.

“You see this cup? This is literally my favorite cup. [He throws it through the window, shattering the window.] Now it’s gone forever. So it’s not real, and I don’t care about it anymore.” – Adventure Time


Hang out with your best friends

 

Friends and family are there to catch you when you fall. You’ve built up a social web of support, and now is the time to use it. So call up some of your best friends, plan a fun night out on the town where you can get all dressed up and feel fabulous. Flirt with new people. It feels good knowing you are wanted after being rejected by someone you cared about. Even if nothing comes of the flirting, sometimes you just need a good confidence boost after a brutal breakup. Or maybe you’re more into staying at home. That’s fine too. Plan a girl’s night with your favorite movies, snacks, and people. Have fun like you used to back before you met that person who broke your heart. Let them help you take your mind off of it for a night.


Take care of your physical self

 

Yep. Exercise. It will release endorphins, which make you happy. You can get out your frustrations and anger at your ex by working your fluff into tuff. And you’ll look bangin’! Just make sure you’re not doing it out of revenge or so that your ex will want you back. That is not a healthy way to think of it. Do it for you!


Rediscover who you are

 

I’ve talked about this in my post, For Those Afraid Of Love. When we enter into a relationship, sometimes the I becomes We and your autonomy is lost. After spending so much time with someone, you begin to base everything on your life around them, so when they leave, you may end up missing their routine, their habits, and their personality. But don’t forget that you are a complete person all by yourself. You were there before them and you will be there long after them. Rediscover your favorite hobbies, your favorite foods. Go to your favorite museum or library. Reread one of the books that helped make you who you are. I think that you will find comfort in finding yourself again. Fall in love with that person all over again and love yourself first.


Take time to be alone

 

As much as you may be tempted to go overboard with going out and keeping your mind occupied, you must also allow yourself some time to be alone. Lest you become one of those people who feel uncomfortable with themselves and the silence of being only with yourself. Spending time alone gives your mind an opportunity to work through all those complicated feelings. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to work on something, work on it, but doing it alone will rebuild your trust in yourself. It will rebuild your confidence and give you an opportunity to forgive yourself. This level of healing is best done alone.


Therapy

 

I was always skeptical of therapy. What could they do that my friends couldn’t? Well, it turns out, a lot. Talking to a trained professional will help you sort out all those complicated feelings inside of you. Most importantly, they offer valuable coping skills that can ease the pain of dealing with the loss. They become an anchor in your life, a constant that you can plan on and work with to boost yourself back onto the right path, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To find a therapist near you, try Psychology Today. That’s how I found mine! And not all therapists are the same, so if you find one you don’t work well with, you can always shop around until you find the perfect fit.


Dont listen to triggering songs until you feel okay

 

Music can be a huge trigger for pain and pining. You’re driving along, minding your own business, and then a song comes on the radio and ruins your whole day. Maybe it was “your song”. Maybe the lyrics struck the perfect agonizing nerve. Whatever the reason, it can ruin your whole day. Try avoiding the music you listened to with that person to avoid entering that mindset. Instead, try finding new music that can serve to pump you up and make you feel great about yourself. My go to song after my painful breakup was Woman by Kesha. And months after the breakup, when I was truly doing okay, I heard a Post Malone song and the lyrics made me spiral back into that mindset of thinking about my ex. It happens. But when it does, there’s no reason you have to stay in that place. Change the station. Hit the next button. Or practice one of the tips above and change your thought to something else. Replacing those painful thoughts with something else will help those triggering songs become less of a trigger.


Stop thinking about what could have been

 

“The origin of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha’s Second Noble Truth

It’s the hope that kills you. I’ll let this post do the talking for this point. When things are over, let them go. Pain only lasts as long as you hold onto it.


Thanks for reading. If you’re going through a difficult breakup, I’m sorry, but don’t worry. It will get better. Trust me! I thought I would never find love again, and now I am with someone who truly respects me and treats me with so much love and adoration. Keep your head high and remember to keep loving yourself first and foremost.

Was this post helpful? Would you like to see more relationship posts? Leave your thoughts and comments down below!

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Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications!

Kat

The First Rejection Hurts The Worst.

The first rejection hurts like hell. Everything after that is just fuel for the proverbial fire of productivity.

Do you remember the first time you’ve ever had a broken heart? Maybe you were a teenager in the midst of your awkward, geeky, emotional hormone-rich stage. Maybe it happened yesterday. It doesn’t matter when it happened. All that matters is that it did. This pain is important. It teaches you things. Most importantly, it teaches you how to wipe the tears away, get back on your feet, and take a few more swings at the challenge. Without the pain of rejection, we can never really appreciate the savory taste of victory.

Whether that rejection happened in love, in searching for your “dream job”, or while you were trying to get your novel published, everyone is going to get rejected at least once. Why this rejection happens isn’t important. What’s important is how you deal with it. You must decide for yourself whether you will be a person who gets back up and continues on the journey, or folds their hand and sits in a stew of self-pity and sorrow for the rest of their lives, holding on to the one arrow in their heart that was pulled out long ago but never seems to heal. Which one are you going to be?

The fear of rejection often stops people from trying. After all, isn’t it better to remain in your safe space where nothing hurts and everything is fine? Well sure, it’s nice to live there, but you can’t stay there forever.

As one of my favorite characters, Wolf, says in The 10th Kingdom,

“Well, you may not get hurt, but huff puff, you won’t get loved either.”

Eventually you’re going to have to venture out and take a few hits. Why are we scared of this pain? Yes, heartbreak hurts, but eventually you get over it. Go out there. Get rejected. Then go out there again and do it all over again, and eventually one of those tries is going to end in success.

When I was searching for a job I loved, my mindset was solidly rooted in the idea that a career was the thing that was going to make me happy. I thought that because I didn’t have a passion for something (or rather, because I had too many), I thought that I would never find a job suitable for me. That’s a very negative mindset already to have before you even start to apply to jobs. So naturally when I received my first rejection for a job after I spent the time and energy going through the interview process, I broke down a little. The negativity grew into thoughts like “See, why did you even try?” and “you knew they were going to reject you”. But after a while those thoughts began to fade. The pain and humiliation of being rejected began to fade too, and eventually I began applying for jobs again. After that, it became an exciting challenge. “Ok,” I thought, “let’s see if I make it to an in-person interview with this company”, I would tell myself. It didn’t matter anymore whether I was hired or not. The point was that I was doing it. I was getting my resumes out there and doing the thing that seemed so scary before.

The topic of love isn’t such an easy one. That is by far the hardest rejection to cope with. Going through a breakup is never easy. For the dumpee or the dumper. As someone who has been in both positions, no one ever likes rejecting someone or being rejected, but these are life lessons that you need to learn. If you’ve never dumped someone, I highly recommend it. Just because you are rejecting someone doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it. There are nice ways of letting someone down easy, and the best one is by being honest and communicating how you are feeling, honestly. By going through both situations (being dumped and dumping), you learn how it feels to be in both positions. That’s a great life experience. There’s nothing negative about that, if you learned from it.

Don’t be afraid of that pain or discomfort, because those are the situations that really matter in life. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to prepare yourself for heartbreak in order to gain love. You must consider the fact you may be rejected after you interview for that really awesome job just as likely as you are to get it. And either way, life goes on. Just remember that.

“Why did I let her in? Didn’t I know she was bad? I did. Of course I did. But I also knew that I couldn’t keep the door closed all my life just because it was dangerous. Just because there was a chance that I might get hurt.”

Snow White, The 10th Kingdom

The first rejection hurts the worst. Everything after that is fuel. Use it to light your way. Don’t give up. You will reach your success if you continue to try.


Stay strong, little troopers.

Begin Again, Never Over artwork by Chronographia, a local Pittsburgh artist.

Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications!

Book Review | Circle of Friends

 

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Everyone needs to drop what they are doing and go order a copy of this book here. It’s a book you are going to want to read over and over. Yes, that is how much I love this book. As soon as I finished Circle of Friends, it skyrocketed to the very top of my favorite book list. Allow me to get into the reasons why I love this book so much.

Written by the ever so talented, Maeve Binchy, Circle of Friends focuses on a group of college students living in Dublin and surrounding areas. The book was written in the 90’s and takes place in the 50’s. I found it listed on Goodreads as “Chick lit”, “Romance”, and “Period Pieces”, and while it is a period piece, there is almost nothing of this book that dates it. In a word, it is timeless. It could have been a book about any group of friends, in any time period, and in any part of the world. I also don’t feel like “Chick lit” does it justice. Although it is a chick lit novel, and a romance as well, it is also so much more than that.

Every character in this story came to life. That includes the secondary, tertiary, and quaternary characters. Even the character who dies at the beginning of the book has his own little story to go along with his character (don’t worry, this is not a spoiler alert, his death is the catalyst that brings our circle of friends together). Nothing in this book was meaningless or without purpose. Every single detail tied into the next, flawlessly.

Let us begin with the character of Eve Malone. She is the friend everyone wishes they had; honest, witty, and fiercely loyal. She is part of a duo of main characters (the other main character being named Benny Hogan who we will get to next) and if Benny is ice–calm, nice, friendly–then Eve is fire–bold, fearless, and hot-tempered. So rarely do you see a character written as truly and honestly as Eve, let alone a female character! I found myself cheering her on with tears in my eyes several times during this read.

Benny Hogan is truly the main character of the story, and second to Eve is an adorably relatable character. A dumpy girl from the country, big boned and awkward, she captured my heart almost immediately. Throughout the novel, her connection to food hit home for me, as I’m sure it did for many other readers. She is the awkward little girl in each of us, vulnerable, genuine, and affable, Benny is well liked by every person she encounters, and no doubt by every reader as well.

These two girls go off to study in Dublin, leaving their small town behind (or at least during the week when they have class). They soon form a circle of friends with Jack Foley, one of the most sought-after boys on campus, and Nan Mahon, a deviously gorgeous girl who is always used to getting her way. Throughout the story, we follow this circle of friends through bumbling romances, heated arguments, personal grief, and selfish vices. Each character must bare their own crosses; Benny must endure the creepy Sean Walsh who is trying to become a partner in her father’s business and who has a penchant for most unwanted advances on Benny; Eve Malone must settle some business with Simon Westward, an estranged cousin from a family who abandoned her; Jack Foley must learn that his actions have heartbreaking consequences; Nan Mahon must try and fix her selfish plan gone wrong; and Mr. Flood must battle with his visions of nuns in trees, nuns that are not actually there!

Will Benny thwart the creepy Sean Walsh and stand up for her family business? Will Eve’s temper get the best of her and ruin the only connection she has to a true family? Will Jack learn from his mistakes? Will Nan solve her problem? Will Mr. Flood stop seeing the nuns in the tree?!

Find out!

Should you read it:

Um yes. 110%. Yes. Yass. Si. Ja. Hai. Da. Oui. Do it. You will enjoy it! It’s such a good novel you could write essays about the character development and intertwining plot lines.

Tarot Spread To Get Over An Ex

Hey there, friends!

Today I would like to share with you a tarot spread that I developed in early February to help me make sense of my recent breakup. I was finding it difficult to move on from my partner, as many people do after breaking up with someone they care for. As an Aquarius, I have an innate and insatiable desire to understand things. I kept asking myself why, why, why about everything that happened and why it didn’t work out. I couldn’t let the issue drop until I fully wrapped my mind around the understanding and closure of the situation. This tarot spread was a result of me asking a series of questions I wanted the answers to, and in this way, I developed a spread.

Note: Of course I take the tarot messages as advice, but also with a grain of salt. Keep that in mind when dealing with outside parties, and always remember to be respectful of a partner’s decision if they choose to end things. If the cards send a message of reconciliation, please do not take this as validation to insert yourself back into their lives and become an emotional burden. I did this spread for myself, so that I could heal and work through things in my own mind, completely separate from my partner. Do this spread to improve yourself and your own mental stability and healing.

Also, don’t mind the bent page. I crinkled it while erasing the pencil and it’s been bugging the heck out of me!

So let’s jump into the spread.


1-3: Why it didn’t work out.

This is the root of the problem/situation. This represents things that may have been out of balance in the relationship or the underlying disconnect between you.

4-6: Why I can’t move on.

These cards represent anything that you are holding onto, emotional ties between you and your partner, hopes and fears, wishes, and internal conflict that is burdening your mind post split.

7-9: Next steps in my healing process.

These cards represent what you should be focusing on, what you should be releasing, and your next steps moving forward with your own life when you are feeling lost, attached, or abandoned/lonely.

10: Something I need to know about my ex partner.

This card represents some hidden aspect of your former partner that was never brought to light. This can also represent how they are currently feeling, or the root of a deep conflict or struggle in their own life, although you can take this card to mean just about anything relating to your ex. Whatever it is you need to know about them.

11: How I viewed the relationship.

How you felt about the relationship, your feelings towards your partner, and the overall energy that you brought to the relationship.

12: How they viewed the relationship.

How your partner felt about the relationship, their feelings towards you, and the overall energy that they brought to the relationship.

13: How they viewed me.

How your partner viewed you during the relationship. This could represent strengths or weaknesses they recognized in you, or the general energy they felt from you.

14: How they viewed themselves.

How your partner viewed themselves during the relationship. This could represent strengths or insecurities about themselves, whether they felt justified in their decisions, or the general energy they felt they brought to the relationship. This could also represent deeper personal struggles or images of self-worth.

15-17: Future relations or outcome between us.

These cards represent the future of your interaction with this person. Did things end well? Is there any chance of talking to them again? Are they satisfied with their decision? How are they feeling now? How are you feeling now? These cards can also indicate your ex partner’s next moves in the near future. Or yours.


And there you have it. If you use this spread please let me know how it resonated with you. I’d love to hear from you in the comments or posts!

Take care!