10 Ways To Move On After A Difficult Breakup

“Just put back the car keys or somebody’s gonna get hurt. Who are you calling at this hour? Sit down, come round, I need you now. We’ll work it all out, together. But we’re getting nowhere tonight. Now sleep, I promise it’ll all seem better somehow in time.” – Imogen Heap

Having your heart broken is one of the most painful experiences you could ever go through in life. That’s why I think everyone should have their heart broken at least once. Negativity like that only paves the way for growth, learning, and more self love than you ever thought was possible.

But when you are going through it, living with a broken heart feels like dying over and over again. It hurts. A lot.

So how can you lessen that pain?

Below are some of the things I did to help me through my first heart break. Maybe they will offer some comfort to you as well.


Infinite waters

 

This cool dude was my go-to for pulling myself out of my post-breakup blues. You can find videos on so many topics, all of which dealing with self care and your place in the universe. He talks about how to deal with your emotions, meditation, how to let go and move on…and we havn’t even had breakfast yet. Can I get a hello! On the bad days when I could see no good in the world and felt so alone, I would sit down and watch his videos and know that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one who had my heart broken. His videos filled me with nothing but peace and love.


Block them on all social media

 

This one’s hard. Like smothering a loved one to death with a pillow. But it’s just something you might have to do in order to move on. If I hadn’t blocked my ex on social media, I would never have moved on with my life. Blocking them on social media means severing all ties you have with that person. And let me tell you, if someone says you can be just friends with someone you once loved, then they weren’t in love with their ex, because you can never ever view someone you once loved as just a friend. If you truly had feelings, in my experience, you just can’t. If you can break the attachment you have for that person, you will move on much faster. Blocking them is a quick way to break that attachment. Out of sight, out of mind.

“So what you say we give it up and walk away. Nothing to salvage anyway.” – Imogen Heap


When you think of them immediately think of something else

 

The good old divergent thought technique. When your mind drifts to your ex, especially the emotionally charged memories, whether good or bad, be vigilant and switch your thought process to something else. If you follow those rabbit holes, you will end up in an emotional pining stage again. Do this enough and you will train your brain not to go there. Of course it’s ok to drift back into those memories every once in a while. It’s healthy to miss them. I mean, you did love them at one point. But this technique ensures you don’t end up staying there. Out of mind, out of emotions.

“You see this cup? This is literally my favorite cup. [He throws it through the window, shattering the window.] Now it’s gone forever. So it’s not real, and I don’t care about it anymore.” – Adventure Time


Hang out with your best friends

 

Friends and family are there to catch you when you fall. You’ve built up a social web of support, and now is the time to use it. So call up some of your best friends, plan a fun night out on the town where you can get all dressed up and feel fabulous. Flirt with new people. It feels good knowing you are wanted after being rejected by someone you cared about. Even if nothing comes of the flirting, sometimes you just need a good confidence boost after a brutal breakup. Or maybe you’re more into staying at home. That’s fine too. Plan a girl’s night with your favorite movies, snacks, and people. Have fun like you used to back before you met that person who broke your heart. Let them help you take your mind off of it for a night.


Take care of your physical self

 

Yep. Exercise. It will release endorphins, which make you happy. You can get out your frustrations and anger at your ex by working your fluff into tuff. And you’ll look bangin’! Just make sure you’re not doing it out of revenge or so that your ex will want you back. That is not a healthy way to think of it. Do it for you!


Rediscover who you are

 

I’ve talked about this in my post, For Those Afraid Of Love. When we enter into a relationship, sometimes the I becomes We and your autonomy is lost. After spending so much time with someone, you begin to base everything on your life around them, so when they leave, you may end up missing their routine, their habits, and their personality. But don’t forget that you are a complete person all by yourself. You were there before them and you will be there long after them. Rediscover your favorite hobbies, your favorite foods. Go to your favorite museum or library. Reread one of the books that helped make you who you are. I think that you will find comfort in finding yourself again. Fall in love with that person all over again and love yourself first.


Take time to be alone

 

As much as you may be tempted to go overboard with going out and keeping your mind occupied, you must also allow yourself some time to be alone. Lest you become one of those people who feel uncomfortable with themselves and the silence of being only with yourself. Spending time alone gives your mind an opportunity to work through all those complicated feelings. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to work on something, work on it, but doing it alone will rebuild your trust in yourself. It will rebuild your confidence and give you an opportunity to forgive yourself. This level of healing is best done alone.


Therapy

 

I was always skeptical of therapy. What could they do that my friends couldn’t? Well, it turns out, a lot. Talking to a trained professional will help you sort out all those complicated feelings inside of you. Most importantly, they offer valuable coping skills that can ease the pain of dealing with the loss. They become an anchor in your life, a constant that you can plan on and work with to boost yourself back onto the right path, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To find a therapist near you, try Psychology Today. That’s how I found mine! And not all therapists are the same, so if you find one you don’t work well with, you can always shop around until you find the perfect fit.


Dont listen to triggering songs until you feel okay

 

Music can be a huge trigger for pain and pining. You’re driving along, minding your own business, and then a song comes on the radio and ruins your whole day. Maybe it was “your song”. Maybe the lyrics struck the perfect agonizing nerve. Whatever the reason, it can ruin your whole day. Try avoiding the music you listened to with that person to avoid entering that mindset. Instead, try finding new music that can serve to pump you up and make you feel great about yourself. My go to song after my painful breakup was Woman by Kesha. And months after the breakup, when I was truly doing okay, I heard a Post Malone song and the lyrics made me spiral back into that mindset of thinking about my ex. It happens. But when it does, there’s no reason you have to stay in that place. Change the station. Hit the next button. Or practice one of the tips above and change your thought to something else. Replacing those painful thoughts with something else will help those triggering songs become less of a trigger.


Stop thinking about what could have been

 

“The origin of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha’s Second Noble Truth

It’s the hope that kills you. I’ll let this post do the talking for this point. When things are over, let them go. Pain only lasts as long as you hold onto it.


Thanks for reading. If you’re going through a difficult breakup, I’m sorry, but don’t worry. It will get better. Trust me! I thought I would never find love again, and now I am with someone who truly respects me and treats me with so much love and adoration. Keep your head high and remember to keep loving yourself first and foremost.

Was this post helpful? Would you like to see more relationship posts? Leave your thoughts and comments down below!

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Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications!

Kat

For Those Afraid Of Love

It’s all fun and games until they like you back, huh?

It seems a little counterproductive, right? You like someone, and yet feel sick to your stomach when they like you back. Why is that? Psychologists would say it’s due to a past trauma that has changed the way you view your interpersonal relationships in life. But not everyone has suffered trauma like that, so why do we sometimes suffer from feelings of repulsion and fear when someone shows interest in us?

You Fear Losing Your Autonomy

This is the big #1. I firmly believe that 9 times out of 10, this is the case. Autonomy is a powerful thing, especially in the age of the internet where being self centered means productivity means success means survival. It’s not entirely your fault. Look at the culture around you. We are encouraged to engage in frivolous flirting, casual sex, and shallow relationships. It seems that these days there are very few people who actually want to commit in a serious way. Well, there are people who want to commit, but, well…that’s why we’re here.

With technology advancing, we are being led to believe that dating is getting easier. Just go on an app like Tinder or Bumble, strike up a conversation, and meet the man of a lifetime. Or at least a night. These apps seldom encourage real interaction. Talking to someone through texting isn’t the same as sitting across from them, feeling their energy, hearing the tone of their voice, and seeing the slight dilation in their pupils. These things speak louder than any text message, because texts can be constructed. How long does it take you to write out a text message? How many times do you hit backspace? We are creating a false persona when we interact on the internet, an ego, if you will. An ego that grows in the most unhealthy way into something messy and confusing and easily hurt. Nothing substitutes real interaction with another human being. Just because they “like” something on your social media doesn’t mean anything. Do you know how easy it is to hit a “like” button? Hell, he could smash the “like” button while simultaneously smashing his ex at 2AM on a Friday night.

But I digress.

Autonomy is so precious to humans. It’s our individuality in an age where everyone seems to be on a special path of destiny. Instead of just working in a shop, having a family, and being, we are convinced that there is some dream out there that we should be chasing. And chasing a dream leaves little time for entertaining a real relationship. We often think our dreams are more important than other people, that we are more important. How pompous! No one is better than anyone else. No one is so special that they can’t carry on a decent interaction with another human being. But being in a relationship means you have to worry about all the boring shit like who has to buy the toothpaste. No one wants to deal with that. They only want a whirlwind romance full of steamy kink-fests and Hollywood banter. We were fed this narrative for so long that we have forgotten what real romance looks like. Real love isn’t Mr. Right. It’s Mr. Right Now.

Being with someone doesn’t mean you will lose your independence. You still have all your own likes, all your own hobbies. You don’t have to meld into the “we” monster. You know, like those girls on tv that always say things like “we are going to redecorate”, “we thought that was so funny”, and “what do we want to eat for dinner”. You can still hang out with your own group of friends. Where did we get this idea that being in a committed relationship means losing ourselves? If you lose yourself, chances are that is a very unhealthy relationship and you should run. Fast.

You Fear Being Vulnerable

Being vulnerable means opening up your beating heart, handing someone a lemon, and trusting they aren’t going to juice you. Who wants to willingly put themselves in that position? That is why most people are more attracted to relationships that they subconsciously know will fail. It’s much easier to screw someone’s brains out and be gone before dawn than it is to share your deepest darkest secrets with them. Sex does not a relationship make. Only vulnerability can make that distinction. When we allow our innermost feelings to be exposed, we open ourselves to pain. That can be a scary thing.

And I firmly believe in every relationship, there is always someone who cares more than the other. There is the one who innately cares, and the one that chooses to care. If you are the one who feels they innately care for the other, chances are good you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. If you’re the one who chooses to care, it’s usually you that will end up hurting the other person. If you choose to love someone, I firmly believe you also have a responsibility to not fucking hurt that person by being dishonest, shady, or dismissive.

It takes a lot of courage to be open about how you’re feeling. Appreciate their courage in telling you, and respect that. (I also have a theory that in D/s relationships, the submissive is usually the innate lover, while the Dom is usually the chooser, as submissives are often more open with their feelings, the ones who do the asking, the ones who lead the Dom. Because if you think the Dom is the one in control in a D/s relationship, you are sorely mistaken. But that is a topic for another post)

I think a lot of relationships fail because neither party wants to be the vulnerable one. Neither wants to be the one who gets hurt by sharing their feelings or saying “I love you” first.

Sometimes Commitment Means Sacrifice

We all know you’d rather sit there eating Doritos and watching episodes of The Office on Netflix for the 30th time in a row, but your partner has a family function to go to, and you are their other half, and therefore have an obligation to get up off your lazy ass and engage in some awkward family bonding. Yes, committing to love means making sacrifices. If you are unwilling to make those sacrifices, chances are good you are still single, and any offer of romance could be met by feelings of repulsion. This probably just means you’re not ready to be in a relationship yet, and those feelings of grossness in your stomach is just your instinctual desire to be free. And what happens when you have to go through the agonizing awkwardness of going to your partner’s family member’s former roommate’s funeral? You’ll have to do all sorts of socializing and talking to strangers! Gasp. The horror. In this case, I would say you are putting the cart way before the horse. Take it each day at a time.

You Care Too Much What Others Think

If you are still at that stage of basing your life choices on what others think, you are probably going to have some feelings of repulsion and fear when your friends go, “ew, you are NOT dating that loser” as if it means something. If this applies to you, then you will forever have the word LOSER attached to his dating profile and will avoid him like the plague even if you had feelings for him before. Don’t let others tell you how to think, my dear. You are your own person, after all.

You’re Just Not Attracted To Them

Sometimes we feel sick when someone shows interest in us because we are just not that interested in them back. That’s perfectly fine! It happens. Biology and all that genes stuff at play here can often leave you feeling a little repulsed by someone we are not compatible with. In this case, it’s probably pretty obvious that tangoing with them, if it happens at all, will be shortlived. Therefore, let’s move onto the next point.

You Fear Hurting Them

If you’re an empath and you know it, clap your hands. This one hits close to home. I am someone who is constantly worried about how others feel, oftentimes over how I am feeling. If I can avoid a situation where I might even cross the path of hurting someone, I will. I don’t like it. It’s a messy business. And someone having feelings is like one big pulsing nerve that the tiniest nick could damage. You may fear having that sort of responsibility for another person’s wellbeing. And as mentioned above, being vulnerable is a difficult thing. When presented with someone making a true show of their emotions, you might get your signals mixed and end up viewing it as a bad thing, because that person may come across as desperate, needy, or codependent. That is something you need to work out inside yourself. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with them. Because being vulnerable does not equate to being desperate, needy, or codependent.

They Remind You Too Much Of Yourself

Ever hear the saying the reason you hate certain people is because you see something in them that reminds you of yourself? You may be projecting your own feelings of self loathing onto them, which isn’t entirely fair. Really try to pinpoint the cause of your negative feelings for those who show interest in you. Is it because they slouch? Chew with their mouths open? Interrupt? It’s possible these are things you hate about yourself, or from a past relationship that you are reminded of. That’s a whole lot of baggage that needs to be dealt with. This person isn’t your ex. This person isn’t you. Try to give them a fair chance instead of judging them based on things that remind you of the negative aspects of your own personality. And then, if you find that these habits or traits are completely theirs, then it would be appropriate to judge whether or not you would be compatible in a relationship. Just make sure you are basing this decision on the truth of the matter instead of your projected issues.

The Pity Party Of A Self Sabotage Just Feels Too Good

Ever met someone who seemed to be the victim protagonist in the dramatic story of their own lives? They play everything out like a Hollywood movie, where they are often the one who always gets hurt and must cope with the repercussions? Be careful you don’t become one of these drama queens. Be careful not to sabotage something just so you can get attention for being hurt or going through a difficult situation. Strange concept as it is, it’s ok to be happy in life. You don’t always have to create anxiety from situations that do not require it. Sometimes it’s ok just to allow someone to show you love.

You Fear Change

That pit in your stomach when you find out you have to pack everything up and leave your comfort zone? That’s what this point is about. Some people just really don’t like change, and someone coming in to your circle of life and trying to offer their way of doing things can be upsetting. If this is resonating on any level, you may want to evaluate your control tendencies. If you are someone who always likes to have things under their own control, being shown romantic advances from prospective partners might automatically make your blast doors close up. Again, it’s ok to accept something new into your life. Just because you enter into a relationship with someone doesn’t mean it’s going to change the fundamentals of who you are. Your life will still be your own, just changed.

You Don’t Do Well With Deep Emotional Displays

I get it. I’m an aquarius. Some people just don’t do well with deep displays of emotion. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a romantic! You might just be more logical than emotional, the yang to the yin. So of course, logically, the professing of feelings or romantic interest might strike you as overwhelming, but don’t forget that there are people that live their lives not by their logical mind, but by following their heart and passions. The simplest way of combatting this feeling of repulsion for someone who lives by their hearts instead of their minds is to communicate how you’re feeling. By expressing that you aren’t exactly comfortable with PDA or being super touchy with them, you create a bridge that they can either choose to cross, or burn. This way, you can both keep your boundaries and no one needs to feel like they were taken advantage of. It’s amazing what honest communication can do between humans in love.

Your Gut Is Picking Up On A Red Flag That You Should Probably Pay Attention To

Or lastly, we come to the golden rule. If your gut is telling you something feels off, trust it. If you feel sick to your stomach when someone asks you out, or won’t stop leaving lude comments on your social media profiles, then chances are good they are bad news bears. In this instance, it is perfectly acceptable to burn that bridge and leave them glowing in embers behind you. Sometimes our gut feelings are there for a reason. Just make sure you know the difference between actually being in danger and just being afraid to fuck with someone who wants to give you everything.


This was a long post, but I hope you read it all, and that it helped sort out some of those confusing feelings. I know I suffer from a lot of fear in the love department. I’m an empath, so I feel things like nervous energy heightened to over 9000. Eeek! I am trying to allow myself to be more open to being loved, and I hope you do too.

Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications.

Tarot Spread To Get Over An Ex

Hey there, friends!

Today I would like to share with you a tarot spread that I developed in early February to help me make sense of my recent breakup. I was finding it difficult to move on from my partner, as many people do after breaking up with someone they care for. As an Aquarius, I have an innate and insatiable desire to understand things. I kept asking myself why, why, why about everything that happened and why it didn’t work out. I couldn’t let the issue drop until I fully wrapped my mind around the understanding and closure of the situation. This tarot spread was a result of me asking a series of questions I wanted the answers to, and in this way, I developed a spread.

Note: Of course I take the tarot messages as advice, but also with a grain of salt. Keep that in mind when dealing with outside parties, and always remember to be respectful of a partner’s decision if they choose to end things. If the cards send a message of reconciliation, please do not take this as validation to insert yourself back into their lives and become an emotional burden. I did this spread for myself, so that I could heal and work through things in my own mind, completely separate from my partner. Do this spread to improve yourself and your own mental stability and healing.

Also, don’t mind the bent page. I crinkled it while erasing the pencil and it’s been bugging the heck out of me!

So let’s jump into the spread.


1-3: Why it didn’t work out.

This is the root of the problem/situation. This represents things that may have been out of balance in the relationship or the underlying disconnect between you.

4-6: Why I can’t move on.

These cards represent anything that you are holding onto, emotional ties between you and your partner, hopes and fears, wishes, and internal conflict that is burdening your mind post split.

7-9: Next steps in my healing process.

These cards represent what you should be focusing on, what you should be releasing, and your next steps moving forward with your own life when you are feeling lost, attached, or abandoned/lonely.

10: Something I need to know about my ex partner.

This card represents some hidden aspect of your former partner that was never brought to light. This can also represent how they are currently feeling, or the root of a deep conflict or struggle in their own life, although you can take this card to mean just about anything relating to your ex. Whatever it is you need to know about them.

11: How I viewed the relationship.

How you felt about the relationship, your feelings towards your partner, and the overall energy that you brought to the relationship.

12: How they viewed the relationship.

How your partner felt about the relationship, their feelings towards you, and the overall energy that they brought to the relationship.

13: How they viewed me.

How your partner viewed you during the relationship. This could represent strengths or weaknesses they recognized in you, or the general energy they felt from you.

14: How they viewed themselves.

How your partner viewed themselves during the relationship. This could represent strengths or insecurities about themselves, whether they felt justified in their decisions, or the general energy they felt they brought to the relationship. This could also represent deeper personal struggles or images of self-worth.

15-17: Future relations or outcome between us.

These cards represent the future of your interaction with this person. Did things end well? Is there any chance of talking to them again? Are they satisfied with their decision? How are they feeling now? How are you feeling now? These cards can also indicate your ex partner’s next moves in the near future. Or yours.


And there you have it. If you use this spread please let me know how it resonated with you. I’d love to hear from you in the comments or posts!

Take care!