On Moving On…

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I don’t remember much of last winter. I was too buried in grief colder than any squall. The sharp bite of bitter wind was a welcome distraction from the sickness of my heart.

I put all the things he gave me in the back of my closet, not brave enough to throw them in the trash but not bold enough to keep them around either. Like all bad memories, I hoped they would just fade away.

I found things enough to keep me busy during the days, but the nights were filled with inescapable loops of all the things I could have done better. Of all the things I might have done wrong.

I don’t remember the first day after January 7th that I didn’t see his face every time I closed my eyes, but it must have come. Yes, it must have. Because the sick sinking feeling in my chest now feels like a faded picture.

I grasped for anything that might save me. Desperately, I entered entropy and let the world devour me with new experiences. And yet only within myself did I finally find healing.

For a late blooming flower, I found that each bruise he gave me wilted my tender petals. But those scars will grow a stronger bud come spring. Every beautiful rose wonts to be plucked. And every summer they bloom again.

Moving on is all about compartmentalizing. The pain never goes away. You just box it up and bury it somewhere in your mind and try to think of better things to come.

Wishing stops working after a while, when you realize that people don’t work like shooting stars. They don’t fall on command, and they have pasts that they can never outrun.

I walked into something karmic, and fuck that’s unfortunate, because you were the start of my journey, and I was only a distraction from yours.

Sometimes I remember the way he rolled his eyes while I drove us home one December night, and in that moment I knew there was no saving this. And it took all my strength of will not to burst into tears as we ate our blue cheese burgers while we tried to think of something, anything to talk about.


Here’s some prose from last winter, about my broken heart and learning to move on after that.

Bad things happen in life, but we shouldn’t view those as negatives. We learn much more from pain than we do from success. And sometimes a broken heart is just what we need in order to transform our lives into everything we’ve ever dreamed of. So thank those who have taught you the tough lessons, and pray that they someday find the healing they need as well. Forgive them, and find peace.

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Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications!

Kat 

 

Sunday Pep Talk | Cast Out Darkness

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There is enough darkness in the world. A million lights could cast it out, but how many of us are afraid to stand up when we see an act of darkness being performed? How many of us turn the other way when we see injustice and abuse to our neighbors and fellow humans? You are one candle, but that doesn’t mean your light is any less important as the others. If we all show kindness, maybe the world wouldn’t have to remain so dark. Be kind. Show love. Do good. And we can make a difference in the world.

For Those Afraid Of Love

It’s all fun and games until they like you back, huh?

It seems a little counterproductive, right? You like someone, and yet feel sick to your stomach when they like you back. Why is that? Psychologists would say it’s due to a past trauma that has changed the way you view your interpersonal relationships in life. But not everyone has suffered trauma like that, so why do we sometimes suffer from feelings of repulsion and fear when someone shows interest in us?

You Fear Losing Your Autonomy

This is the big #1. I firmly believe that 9 times out of 10, this is the case. Autonomy is a powerful thing, especially in the age of the internet where being self centered means productivity means success means survival. It’s not entirely your fault. Look at the culture around you. We are encouraged to engage in frivolous flirting, casual sex, and shallow relationships. It seems that these days there are very few people who actually want to commit in a serious way. Well, there are people who want to commit, but, well…that’s why we’re here.

With technology advancing, we are being led to believe that dating is getting easier. Just go on an app like Tinder or Bumble, strike up a conversation, and meet the man of a lifetime. Or at least a night. These apps seldom encourage real interaction. Talking to someone through texting isn’t the same as sitting across from them, feeling their energy, hearing the tone of their voice, and seeing the slight dilation in their pupils. These things speak louder than any text message, because texts can be constructed. How long does it take you to write out a text message? How many times do you hit backspace? We are creating a false persona when we interact on the internet, an ego, if you will. An ego that grows in the most unhealthy way into something messy and confusing and easily hurt. Nothing substitutes real interaction with another human being. Just because they “like” something on your social media doesn’t mean anything. Do you know how easy it is to hit a “like” button? Hell, he could smash the “like” button while simultaneously smashing his ex at 2AM on a Friday night.

But I digress.

Autonomy is so precious to humans. It’s our individuality in an age where everyone seems to be on a special path of destiny. Instead of just working in a shop, having a family, and being, we are convinced that there is some dream out there that we should be chasing. And chasing a dream leaves little time for entertaining a real relationship. We often think our dreams are more important than other people, that we are more important. How pompous! No one is better than anyone else. No one is so special that they can’t carry on a decent interaction with another human being. But being in a relationship means you have to worry about all the boring shit like who has to buy the toothpaste. No one wants to deal with that. They only want a whirlwind romance full of steamy kink-fests and Hollywood banter. We were fed this narrative for so long that we have forgotten what real romance looks like. Real love isn’t Mr. Right. It’s Mr. Right Now.

Being with someone doesn’t mean you will lose your independence. You still have all your own likes, all your own hobbies. You don’t have to meld into the “we” monster. You know, like those girls on tv that always say things like “we are going to redecorate”, “we thought that was so funny”, and “what do we want to eat for dinner”. You can still hang out with your own group of friends. Where did we get this idea that being in a committed relationship means losing ourselves? If you lose yourself, chances are that is a very unhealthy relationship and you should run. Fast.

You Fear Being Vulnerable

Being vulnerable means opening up your beating heart, handing someone a lemon, and trusting they aren’t going to juice you. Who wants to willingly put themselves in that position? That is why most people are more attracted to relationships that they subconsciously know will fail. It’s much easier to screw someone’s brains out and be gone before dawn than it is to share your deepest darkest secrets with them. Sex does not a relationship make. Only vulnerability can make that distinction. When we allow our innermost feelings to be exposed, we open ourselves to pain. That can be a scary thing.

And I firmly believe in every relationship, there is always someone who cares more than the other. There is the one who innately cares, and the one that chooses to care. If you are the one who feels they innately care for the other, chances are good you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. If you’re the one who chooses to care, it’s usually you that will end up hurting the other person. If you choose to love someone, I firmly believe you also have a responsibility to not fucking hurt that person by being dishonest, shady, or dismissive.

It takes a lot of courage to be open about how you’re feeling. Appreciate their courage in telling you, and respect that. (I also have a theory that in D/s relationships, the submissive is usually the innate lover, while the Dom is usually the chooser, as submissives are often more open with their feelings, the ones who do the asking, the ones who lead the Dom. Because if you think the Dom is the one in control in a D/s relationship, you are sorely mistaken. But that is a topic for another post)

I think a lot of relationships fail because neither party wants to be the vulnerable one. Neither wants to be the one who gets hurt by sharing their feelings or saying “I love you” first.

Sometimes Commitment Means Sacrifice

We all know you’d rather sit there eating Doritos and watching episodes of The Office on Netflix for the 30th time in a row, but your partner has a family function to go to, and you are their other half, and therefore have an obligation to get up off your lazy ass and engage in some awkward family bonding. Yes, committing to love means making sacrifices. If you are unwilling to make those sacrifices, chances are good you are still single, and any offer of romance could be met by feelings of repulsion. This probably just means you’re not ready to be in a relationship yet, and those feelings of grossness in your stomach is just your instinctual desire to be free. And what happens when you have to go through the agonizing awkwardness of going to your partner’s family member’s former roommate’s funeral? You’ll have to do all sorts of socializing and talking to strangers! Gasp. The horror. In this case, I would say you are putting the cart way before the horse. Take it each day at a time.

You Care Too Much What Others Think

If you are still at that stage of basing your life choices on what others think, you are probably going to have some feelings of repulsion and fear when your friends go, “ew, you are NOT dating that loser” as if it means something. If this applies to you, then you will forever have the word LOSER attached to his dating profile and will avoid him like the plague even if you had feelings for him before. Don’t let others tell you how to think, my dear. You are your own person, after all.

You’re Just Not Attracted To Them

Sometimes we feel sick when someone shows interest in us because we are just not that interested in them back. That’s perfectly fine! It happens. Biology and all that genes stuff at play here can often leave you feeling a little repulsed by someone we are not compatible with. In this case, it’s probably pretty obvious that tangoing with them, if it happens at all, will be shortlived. Therefore, let’s move onto the next point.

You Fear Hurting Them

If you’re an empath and you know it, clap your hands. This one hits close to home. I am someone who is constantly worried about how others feel, oftentimes over how I am feeling. If I can avoid a situation where I might even cross the path of hurting someone, I will. I don’t like it. It’s a messy business. And someone having feelings is like one big pulsing nerve that the tiniest nick could damage. You may fear having that sort of responsibility for another person’s wellbeing. And as mentioned above, being vulnerable is a difficult thing. When presented with someone making a true show of their emotions, you might get your signals mixed and end up viewing it as a bad thing, because that person may come across as desperate, needy, or codependent. That is something you need to work out inside yourself. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with them. Because being vulnerable does not equate to being desperate, needy, or codependent.

They Remind You Too Much Of Yourself

Ever hear the saying the reason you hate certain people is because you see something in them that reminds you of yourself? You may be projecting your own feelings of self loathing onto them, which isn’t entirely fair. Really try to pinpoint the cause of your negative feelings for those who show interest in you. Is it because they slouch? Chew with their mouths open? Interrupt? It’s possible these are things you hate about yourself, or from a past relationship that you are reminded of. That’s a whole lot of baggage that needs to be dealt with. This person isn’t your ex. This person isn’t you. Try to give them a fair chance instead of judging them based on things that remind you of the negative aspects of your own personality. And then, if you find that these habits or traits are completely theirs, then it would be appropriate to judge whether or not you would be compatible in a relationship. Just make sure you are basing this decision on the truth of the matter instead of your projected issues.

The Pity Party Of A Self Sabotage Just Feels Too Good

Ever met someone who seemed to be the victim protagonist in the dramatic story of their own lives? They play everything out like a Hollywood movie, where they are often the one who always gets hurt and must cope with the repercussions? Be careful you don’t become one of these drama queens. Be careful not to sabotage something just so you can get attention for being hurt or going through a difficult situation. Strange concept as it is, it’s ok to be happy in life. You don’t always have to create anxiety from situations that do not require it. Sometimes it’s ok just to allow someone to show you love.

You Fear Change

That pit in your stomach when you find out you have to pack everything up and leave your comfort zone? That’s what this point is about. Some people just really don’t like change, and someone coming in to your circle of life and trying to offer their way of doing things can be upsetting. If this is resonating on any level, you may want to evaluate your control tendencies. If you are someone who always likes to have things under their own control, being shown romantic advances from prospective partners might automatically make your blast doors close up. Again, it’s ok to accept something new into your life. Just because you enter into a relationship with someone doesn’t mean it’s going to change the fundamentals of who you are. Your life will still be your own, just changed.

You Don’t Do Well With Deep Emotional Displays

I get it. I’m an aquarius. Some people just don’t do well with deep displays of emotion. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a romantic! You might just be more logical than emotional, the yang to the yin. So of course, logically, the professing of feelings or romantic interest might strike you as overwhelming, but don’t forget that there are people that live their lives not by their logical mind, but by following their heart and passions. The simplest way of combatting this feeling of repulsion for someone who lives by their hearts instead of their minds is to communicate how you’re feeling. By expressing that you aren’t exactly comfortable with PDA or being super touchy with them, you create a bridge that they can either choose to cross, or burn. This way, you can both keep your boundaries and no one needs to feel like they were taken advantage of. It’s amazing what honest communication can do between humans in love.

Your Gut Is Picking Up On A Red Flag That You Should Probably Pay Attention To

Or lastly, we come to the golden rule. If your gut is telling you something feels off, trust it. If you feel sick to your stomach when someone asks you out, or won’t stop leaving lude comments on your social media profiles, then chances are good they are bad news bears. In this instance, it is perfectly acceptable to burn that bridge and leave them glowing in embers behind you. Sometimes our gut feelings are there for a reason. Just make sure you know the difference between actually being in danger and just being afraid to fuck with someone who wants to give you everything.


This was a long post, but I hope you read it all, and that it helped sort out some of those confusing feelings. I know I suffer from a lot of fear in the love department. I’m an empath, so I feel things like nervous energy heightened to over 9000. Eeek! I am trying to allow myself to be more open to being loved, and I hope you do too.

Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications.

The First Rejection Hurts The Worst.

The first rejection hurts like hell. Everything after that is just fuel for the proverbial fire of productivity.

Do you remember the first time you’ve ever had a broken heart? Maybe you were a teenager in the midst of your awkward, geeky, emotional hormone-rich stage. Maybe it happened yesterday. It doesn’t matter when it happened. All that matters is that it did. This pain is important. It teaches you things. Most importantly, it teaches you how to wipe the tears away, get back on your feet, and take a few more swings at the challenge. Without the pain of rejection, we can never really appreciate the savory taste of victory.

Whether that rejection happened in love, in searching for your “dream job”, or while you were trying to get your novel published, everyone is going to get rejected at least once. Why this rejection happens isn’t important. What’s important is how you deal with it. You must decide for yourself whether you will be a person who gets back up and continues on the journey, or folds their hand and sits in a stew of self-pity and sorrow for the rest of their lives, holding on to the one arrow in their heart that was pulled out long ago but never seems to heal. Which one are you going to be?

The fear of rejection often stops people from trying. After all, isn’t it better to remain in your safe space where nothing hurts and everything is fine? Well sure, it’s nice to live there, but you can’t stay there forever.

As one of my favorite characters, Wolf, says in The 10th Kingdom,

“Well, you may not get hurt, but huff puff, you won’t get loved either.”

Eventually you’re going to have to venture out and take a few hits. Why are we scared of this pain? Yes, heartbreak hurts, but eventually you get over it. Go out there. Get rejected. Then go out there again and do it all over again, and eventually one of those tries is going to end in success.

When I was searching for a job I loved, my mindset was solidly rooted in the idea that a career was the thing that was going to make me happy. I thought that because I didn’t have a passion for something (or rather, because I had too many), I thought that I would never find a job suitable for me. That’s a very negative mindset already to have before you even start to apply to jobs. So naturally when I received my first rejection for a job after I spent the time and energy going through the interview process, I broke down a little. The negativity grew into thoughts like “See, why did you even try?” and “you knew they were going to reject you”. But after a while those thoughts began to fade. The pain and humiliation of being rejected began to fade too, and eventually I began applying for jobs again. After that, it became an exciting challenge. “Ok,” I thought, “let’s see if I make it to an in-person interview with this company”, I would tell myself. It didn’t matter anymore whether I was hired or not. The point was that I was doing it. I was getting my resumes out there and doing the thing that seemed so scary before.

The topic of love isn’t such an easy one. That is by far the hardest rejection to cope with. Going through a breakup is never easy. For the dumpee or the dumper. As someone who has been in both positions, no one ever likes rejecting someone or being rejected, but these are life lessons that you need to learn. If you’ve never dumped someone, I highly recommend it. Just because you are rejecting someone doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it. There are nice ways of letting someone down easy, and the best one is by being honest and communicating how you are feeling, honestly. By going through both situations (being dumped and dumping), you learn how it feels to be in both positions. That’s a great life experience. There’s nothing negative about that, if you learned from it.

Don’t be afraid of that pain or discomfort, because those are the situations that really matter in life. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to prepare yourself for heartbreak in order to gain love. You must consider the fact you may be rejected after you interview for that really awesome job just as likely as you are to get it. And either way, life goes on. Just remember that.

“Why did I let her in? Didn’t I know she was bad? I did. Of course I did. But I also knew that I couldn’t keep the door closed all my life just because it was dangerous. Just because there was a chance that I might get hurt.”

Snow White, The 10th Kingdom

The first rejection hurts the worst. Everything after that is fuel. Use it to light your way. Don’t give up. You will reach your success if you continue to try.


Stay strong, little troopers.

Begin Again, Never Over artwork by Chronographia, a local Pittsburgh artist.

Take care, and don’t forget to take your medications!

Tarot Spread To Get Over An Ex

Hey there, friends!

Today I would like to share with you a tarot spread that I developed in early February to help me make sense of my recent breakup. I was finding it difficult to move on from my partner, as many people do after breaking up with someone they care for. As an Aquarius, I have an innate and insatiable desire to understand things. I kept asking myself why, why, why about everything that happened and why it didn’t work out. I couldn’t let the issue drop until I fully wrapped my mind around the understanding and closure of the situation. This tarot spread was a result of me asking a series of questions I wanted the answers to, and in this way, I developed a spread.

Note: Of course I take the tarot messages as advice, but also with a grain of salt. Keep that in mind when dealing with outside parties, and always remember to be respectful of a partner’s decision if they choose to end things. If the cards send a message of reconciliation, please do not take this as validation to insert yourself back into their lives and become an emotional burden. I did this spread for myself, so that I could heal and work through things in my own mind, completely separate from my partner. Do this spread to improve yourself and your own mental stability and healing.

Also, don’t mind the bent page. I crinkled it while erasing the pencil and it’s been bugging the heck out of me!

So let’s jump into the spread.


1-3: Why it didn’t work out.

This is the root of the problem/situation. This represents things that may have been out of balance in the relationship or the underlying disconnect between you.

4-6: Why I can’t move on.

These cards represent anything that you are holding onto, emotional ties between you and your partner, hopes and fears, wishes, and internal conflict that is burdening your mind post split.

7-9: Next steps in my healing process.

These cards represent what you should be focusing on, what you should be releasing, and your next steps moving forward with your own life when you are feeling lost, attached, or abandoned/lonely.

10: Something I need to know about my ex partner.

This card represents some hidden aspect of your former partner that was never brought to light. This can also represent how they are currently feeling, or the root of a deep conflict or struggle in their own life, although you can take this card to mean just about anything relating to your ex. Whatever it is you need to know about them.

11: How I viewed the relationship.

How you felt about the relationship, your feelings towards your partner, and the overall energy that you brought to the relationship.

12: How they viewed the relationship.

How your partner felt about the relationship, their feelings towards you, and the overall energy that they brought to the relationship.

13: How they viewed me.

How your partner viewed you during the relationship. This could represent strengths or weaknesses they recognized in you, or the general energy they felt from you.

14: How they viewed themselves.

How your partner viewed themselves during the relationship. This could represent strengths or insecurities about themselves, whether they felt justified in their decisions, or the general energy they felt they brought to the relationship. This could also represent deeper personal struggles or images of self-worth.

15-17: Future relations or outcome between us.

These cards represent the future of your interaction with this person. Did things end well? Is there any chance of talking to them again? Are they satisfied with their decision? How are they feeling now? How are you feeling now? These cards can also indicate your ex partner’s next moves in the near future. Or yours.


And there you have it. If you use this spread please let me know how it resonated with you. I’d love to hear from you in the comments or posts!

Take care!

Infidelity

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One of my former employers once had an affair with one of his employees. He made no attempt to hide the relationship. He was so proud that he was able to ensnare such a young, vivacious spitfire with his money and power. Talk about a midlife crisis! The affair not only put stress on his marriage but tarnished his reputation as well. Of course, as a businessman, he recovered rather easily. And the girl moved to another state to work as a flight attendant and was never seen again. She vanished as quickly as she came, leaving a trail of bitter chaos behind her.

It ended horribly. Overcome with rage over the fact that she was threatening to leave him, he fired her. He did this in front of the entire staff at the end of a long day in an attempt to humiliate her. Words were exchanged, lividly from his lips and indifferently amused from hers. We watched in awesome horror as the scene unfolded in front of us all. I just wanted to grab my lunchbox and get the hell out of there.

His wife, in an attempt to win the affections of her husband back, or perhaps from pure sickness of heart, stopped eating. She lost so much weight that she looked close to death. At least that’s what we thought, until we discovered that she had cancer. Imagine getting that news along with finding out that there’s some young tramp walking around with your husband’s seed inside of her, the same seed that reared the children you bore and  have to look at every single day? I have mad respect for her for dealing with all of that and still having the strength of character to hold her head high. 

After their affair was finished and the girl was gone, my boss pined for her. Every day at work when things were slow and his mind wasn’t preoccupied with his job, he would stand and stare out the window. I remember one of those days, he said in a voice that seemed haunted, “God, I really miss her.” I could empathize with him in a way. Although I didn’t morally agree with what he had done, I knew that in his mind, he had loved her, and losing her meant losing a piece of himself and his identity. Or perhaps, as a man, it simply meant losing amazing orgasms…and really, isn’t that the same thing?

I’m joking, of course. Yes, men think an exorbitant amount about sex, but he had lost more than that. Some people enter into relationships and even affairs in order to connect with others. He lost a connection to a powerful spark of a human, and from experience, that can be one of the most painful things in the world. Sometimes it’s even more painful if you know in your heart that it’s a lie, or unsustainable, because lying to yourself makes you believe that things might turn out ok in the end. You get your hopes up, you start to believe the lie, and then when it inevitably comes to an end, you are left not only having been betrayed, but betraying yourself as well.

And really, what was he expecting? How long can an affair like that really go on? Was he planning on leaving his wife who had supported him through the years to marry this other girl who was full of life and years ahead of her? Would they move in together and argue over whose turn it was to buy the toothpaste? Was he planning to continue the love triangle until he was too old to get it up, when his balls were shriveled to the size of grapes? Sadly, some people think like this; completely selfishly. They want their cake and they want to eat it too. They want to stick their grubby fingers in all the pies. They want to take anything they can get as long as it makes them feel good, even if it’s only for one fleeting moment.

But in instances of infidelity, I don’t really think there are any winners. Someone will always end up getting hurt. I’m sure my boss still carries that hurt and a piece of her inside of him because those memories, good or bad, never really go away. As they say in Cowboy Bebop or that one song or whatever, you’re gonna carry that weight.